Picking yourself up off the ground

So I binged last night. It's embarassing to admit that - even to write it, even though this blog is anonymous, makes me coil up a little inside. I guess that's why I keep this problem secret, why I don't tell any of my friends. But it also feels important to admit it: I binged last night.

It's funny, because I had what I would consider to be a really good night. I had a show, I hung out with friends and watched tv on the internet, and then went to see a midnight showing of a musical with other friends. But I felt out of it the whole time. At least part of it was because the first group of friends I was hanging out with - I don't know why, because I really like them, but I'm becoming more and more aware that I want to eat during/after I see them. I've only recently realized it, but I think I feel kind of excluded in this group, like I'm not as funny or as interesting (or even as loud) as some of the others, but we often eat dinner together, and I will eat way too much at those dinners. I've been trying to sit with the feelings more, rather than just eat about them, and that helps a lot. Even recognizing that I feel this way has helped. But I think that hanging out with those friends had made me feel a little excluded, and even though I didn't eat then, the feelings didn't completely go away.

The second thing that happened was that I had been hungry even at the midnight show that I went to go see, so I was sure that my weight would be lower when I woke up the next morning. But when I got home and weighed myself (even as I write this, I realize how stupid it is to weigh yourself at night to form a "prediction" about what my weight will be the next day), it clearly wasn't going to be. Isn't that ridiculous? That what I saw on the scale could make me feel so upset? But it's true. And so I ate. I felt myself doing it consciously, I thought to myself "well, I'm hungry, and I'm not going to have lower weight tomorrow anyway, so I might as well eat." And a few bites turned into finishing all of the leftover Chinese food I had for dinner, and the other half of the brownie I was planning to save for the next day. And a banana. So it wasn't the hugest binge in the world, but I definitely felt unstable and overly full, and honestly awful when I went to bed only a few minutes later. I cried a little in bed (wow, it is embarassing to admit this, even here) and just felt not good in my body. I felt like I'd ruined everything I'd worked towards. I was so frustrated with myself. I was dreading the next day: would I eat? Would I not? Would I spiral into another binge or awful and emotional day with food?

But here's the funny thing, I woke up the next day, and had brunch with my older brother, who is visiting, and I've had a great day since. Partially, it's that my brother is absolutely wonderful to be with: he is so driven and so positive - he combines optimism with an incredible discipline and work ethic. And he was just so excited to see me, and we planned a possible vacation over the summer, and he gave me advice about the job that I'll be starting next year (and told me that I'll be great at it), and bought me brunch and iced coffee and we walked around together. It was fantastic. And I arrived at the call for my show (a matinee) feeling like a million bucks - I felt pretty and funny and interesting and worthwhile. My pants fit tighter than the night before, but it didn't bring me down. And I think that I had my best show yet - I certainly had more fun than I'd had at either of my shows over the past two days.

I feel like I've been given a fresh start: I feel happy and optimistic and unconcerned about the fact that I've gained some weight over the past few days - I will lose it, and more, if I can be more aware.

I think that one of the important steps toward that goal is filling my life with other mini-goals. I've had a lot of free time lately, and I've basically been sitting around - which was relaxing and rejuvinating for a while, but now I feel a little lonely. And, more importantly, I feel boring - which I think is absolutely deadly for me: when I feel boring, I act boring, and I don't care about anything. My body, what I eat, what I do - I'm just not concerned.

So how can I use the last month-and-change until I graduate in a way that is unboring? I would like some goals. Here are a few that I can think of now (I will think some more, and maybe revise this list) :

1. Work out. I know that I don't love the gym, but I do love feeling strong. And I literally have almost nothing else to do all day - what a rare thing in life! - so why not do it.I've started doing more push-ups, which feels great, and I'd like to do more ab work and weight lifting, and addition to more running. If I want to exercise outside, I can also take a walk outside.

2. Spend more time being vain. I have the time, and feeling pretty makes me feel good about myself. So why not? I'd love to feel good about my hair and about what I'm wearing more often.

3. Keep my space cleaner and more beautiful. Once again, a clean space makes me feel more zen. And I have the time!

4. Practice my french more. I'd love to read and make sure I fully understand at least one french newspaper article per day!

5. Read the newspaper, in general, more often. Yes!

I think that's good for now. Wow, even writing this blog feels good!

Here's a first...

...this is the first time I've ever blogged. It freaks me out, to be honest. What if someone finds this and it condemns me in their eyes and I can never recover? Especially for jobs! But at the same time, it feels empowering. I want to blog because I want to enter on a certain type of journey, and I want to be held accountable. And blogging seems like a good way to reach that goal.

So what's this "journey" that I'm talking about? It in the simplest sense, I would like to lose weight. But to be honest, I think it is much more complicated than that. I think that I have body image problems. I think that I compulsively weigh myself, and that I am an emotional eater, and that I no longer eat when and what my body wants because I've gotten so paranoid, or even just emotional, about the whole process. So I think that I need to reclaim that. I need to reclaim my body and my life. I hate that if I wake up, and my weight on the scale is a pound or two more than I'd like (which is most likely due to water weight, to be honest), my day will be much worse, because of it. I hate that eating too much at one meal can set me off on a binge, where I essentially lose my entire day and eat food that I'm not actually enjoying, and feel guilty for the next day. I hate that.

I don't want to live my life like that anymore.

So that's why I'm starting this blog. Yes, I want to lose weight. But I also just want to feel happy in my body. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my happiness determined by what I see on the scale. I want to continue with my day and not feel badly because I ate slightly too much at a meal, or compulsively think and plan about what I will eat next. I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, the stuff that has nothing to do with food and weight.

Part of the reason that I want to do this so badly right now is that I'm about to leave college. I graduate in June. Most of these problems began since I've been in college, but I haven't given them the attention that I should have, because, well, life in college has been really busy. But now that I have some more time, I want to really be attentive and aware of these issues. I'm not ruling out that eventually I may need to work with a therapist on these issues. But, at least for now, I'd like to see how much I can do for myself by loving myself as much as I can, and just being aware. Hence the title of my blog.

So if you're reading this, thanks for supporting me in this journey. And even if no one reads this, I still think that it's worthwhile. So thanks, nebulous internet gods!