I am in the middle of a binge right now. It's a scary place. I was stressed out, then I noticed I was eating. And then, on some level, I thought, "wouldn't it be nice to keep eating? Wouldn't it be nice to keep eating?"
I feel like I want to cry. I feel like I want to hide. I feel like I want to run away and not come out. I feel like I want to go back to bed.
It wasn't an enormous binge: a granola bar, some sweedish fish, probably two handfuls of chocolate covered raisins. But I have been feeling it come on all morning. Rich is stressing me out. And without Sanjay here, I honestly don't know what to do. I am supposed to be in charge for corporate, and I honestly don't know what he wants. Particularly after that second-year BA workshop, I feel like I should be better than this. I should be on top of my workstream, and other people's workstreams, too. Instead I am overwhelmed and bingeing.
Ok, Katie, let's breathe here. Your eating is rational. Your eating is in response to rational behavior. You are scared, and lost, and overwhelmed and so you are eating this way.
And you can only do what you can do. You can't be a rockstar BA out of thin air. You can only do what you can do. I love you. Did you know that?
You can only do what you can do.
Ok, you are stressed out. You are scared. So let's problem-solve together. I will wrap my arms around you, and we will problem-solve together. Here's what I think you need to do:
0. Breathe. I love you. You will be great. I think you are just scared because Sanjay is gone, but you will be ok. Ok?
1. Complete the model for 2011 that you and Sanjay discussed; Or maybe 2013? No, 2011, because Rich really cares about people moving in enhancement versus development, and you only have data that far back
2. Put together some kind of explanation for the back-up page. I don't know what this looks like yet, but will deal with it when I get to it. Ok? Ok.
3. Put together some more materials for Marie.
4. Breathe
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
1.5 years later
Wow.
That's my first reaction. For how far I've come in the past year and a half, and how far I have to go.
It makes me sad to read my blog entries from a year-and-a-half ago, because I wish they weren't true. Because when I think back on my life in college, I sometimes think I was exaggerating how bad my relationship to food and my body image was. I sometimes think I was exaggerating how much I weighed myself, and how much that affected my day. But I wasn't. But it was all true.
I've come a long way in the time between now and then. I have spent hours journaling and thinking and reading and writing about my relationship with food and with my body. And I have come to understand that it's bigger than that - that my relationship with food and my body is intimately tied to how I live my life. In some ways, this feels like it has been the most fundamental transformation of my life. This is the closest I have ever come to a spiritual conversion:
That's my first reaction. For how far I've come in the past year and a half, and how far I have to go.
It makes me sad to read my blog entries from a year-and-a-half ago, because I wish they weren't true. Because when I think back on my life in college, I sometimes think I was exaggerating how bad my relationship to food and my body image was. I sometimes think I was exaggerating how much I weighed myself, and how much that affected my day. But I wasn't. But it was all true.
I've come a long way in the time between now and then. I have spent hours journaling and thinking and reading and writing about my relationship with food and with my body. And I have come to understand that it's bigger than that - that my relationship with food and my body is intimately tied to how I live my life. In some ways, this feels like it has been the most fundamental transformation of my life. This is the closest I have ever come to a spiritual conversion:
- I have thrown away my scale, and not known what I weigh for at least a year (except for one, very short-lived relapse this spring when I thought it might be a good idea)
- I keep massive quantities of anything and everything delicious in my apartment - at this moment, chocolate peanut butter cups, ice cream, 5 types of cookies
- More importantly, I eat those delicious things whenever I want. Which meant, for a several month stretch, that I ate mostly some mixture of dark chocolate peanut butter cups, carrot cake, peanut butter cupcakes, and cookies. Now I've started to crave real food, but I firmly believe that it was only after this long process that it became possible for me to actually want real food, rather than to have it just because I needed to fill up so that I wouldn't eat too much of what I actually wanted (e.g., sugar-based things)
- Even more importantly, I generally don't binge on any of these foods. In fact, I bought a box of Sees' Candies when I was home in April (a California delicacy), and put them in my top drawer. And about a month ago, I realized they had gone bad. And I had eaten only a few. Because you know what, I had other things to eat.
- I feel beautiful, and, dare I say it, sexy on a regular basis. I realized that before this summer, I had never, ever felt sexy. And now I do.
- And perhaps most importantly of all, I feel in-tune with myself almost all the time. Even if I do go numb, or I start eating emotionally - I am aware of it. And as a result, I get myself out of it much, much quicker. I used to go on binges that would last for days. Now, it's generally not more than a meal. And I credit my being able to survive my job for the past year, in no small part, to the fact that I am more in tune with myself, to when I am taking care of myself well, and to when I'm not
But at the same time, I have a long way to go. I still have times when I go numb. I still have times when I binge. I still have flashes (and they really are flashes, so SO much better than before) where I don't like my body, where I think that I should go on a diet immediately. This is never more true to me than it is in this absolute present moment:
I just put on a pair of jeans. And it was tight. And it has been tight for at least 2 or 3 months - but today it got to me - maybe because my chin was tingling in a way that I usually interpret to mean I've lost weight? I don't know what it is, but today it got to me. And then I furiously tried on all of my pants. And several of my dresses. All of which I knew were tight, all of which had been tight last time I put them on. And yes, they were tight today.
And I was furious.
And I dashed around my apartment, even sneaking a peek into my roommate's room to see if I could find her scale (if she has one).
And I thought to myself:
"Maybe I should go on a diet"
"I've gained weight in the past year - this is a crisis"
"What if I keep gaining weight forever? I won't fit into any clothes!"
"I am fat and unloveable. How can boys like me?"
Yes, ma'am, these were the thoughts that flashed through my head in that moment. And it was frantic. And I was so upset. I was distraught. I was convinced that my body would soon be larger than the borough of manhattan, and I would no longer fit through doors.
And there's nothing you can do to make things perfect when you are that upset. If anything, that's what I've learned over the past year and a half. But you can do everything possible in your power to be kind to yourself. To speak softly and kindly to yourself. Because above all, the danger in those moments are that (a) you will spin out of control into a frenzy or (b) that you will go numb. And I desperately did not want either of those things to happen.
So I stayed as aware as possible. I stepped away from my closet and my too-tight jeans (because I was clearly torturing myself slowly by trying them on). And I did the only thing that really helps - working through the problem. I journaled.
And you know what, I feel a lot better.
Yes, I am heavier than I would like to be. But also, I feel relatively sane. And that means a lot.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Newsflash (or not?)
Certain foods make me feel gross. Especially certain foods in excess.
I know, I know. Hardly rocket science, right? Except people have been saying to me for years: "Oh, I can't eat that, I'll feel gross," or, "I just ate way to much junk, I feel absolutely disgusting," and quite honestly, I had no idea what they meant. I mean, I thought that I understood. But really, I was just saying the outer words without understanding the inner feelings: I thought that I should feel gross about myself when I ate too much, but I never actually felt that way. In fact, I always wanted to eat more: I can remember many situations when after a slice or two of pizza or some other quantity of some other junk, a friend would say, "oh, I feel gross," and I would say that I agreed, but secretly - I honestly wished that I could eat more. But I didn't think it was appropriate to do so, that it would make me a slob to do so. So "feeling gross" or "foods that don't actually make you feel good" were always more of a moral judgment, a way that I thought I should feel, than an actual physical reaction.
But maybe part of the reason for that, to be honest, is that I never actually let myself eat exactly what I wanted. There were always restrictions, and I was almost always feeling guilty about what I ate, especially if I ate more than what I deemed to be an "appropriate" portion size.
But now, very very slowly, I'm starting to understand what the "gross" thing means. Take tonight: I just pushed myself really hard at the gym (it felt great, though!) and was starving after, so I got dinner. I knew that I was hungry, and that protein and vegetables would feel good, so I got a little of that. But I was also craving something comforting, something warm, so I got a big portion of eggplant that was rolled around ricotta and had tomato sauce on top. And I got a big cookie. And you know what, I ate all of it!
And I honestly don't feel guilty about that. I mean, well I do feel a little bit guilty, if I'm honest, but I'm also learning how to forgive myself. But the thing I feel more strongly, is gross. As I was finishing up the eggplant, I thought to myself, "you know what, I would have rather had a bit more chicken and vegetables than all of this. The chicken and vegetables was light, made me feel good and full. Maybe I could have gotten a bit of rice salad, or chickpea salad with it for carbs. But this just feels heavy and doesn't make me feel good. I'd like a bite of this, but having the whole thing doesn't actually make me feel good."
And then I saw my big cookie. A triple chocolate cookie. And I thought, "I shouldn't eat this. This won't make me feel good." But then I also thought, "But you love these cookies. You used to binge on these cookies. Let yourself have this cookie, don't limit yourself." So I ate it. I ate all of it. But you know what I realized? I was eating for all of the times that I hadn't let myself eat it in the past. I wasn't eating for what I wanted in this moment. What I wanted in this moment was a big big glass of ice water and maybe a square of dark chocolate. But you know, it's ok to eat for the past, too. I don't hate myself or anything. It's just about being aware.
So, basically, I ate a huge meal. So I guess calorically it wasn't really a "victory" or anything. But it felt, quite honestly, really refreshing to realize that what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was healthy food. Some grilled chicken, vegetables, and a bit of rice salad would have been absolutely perfect tonight. But I'm still in the process of convincing myself that yes, you can have exactly what you want when you want it. So I ate for that purpose too, I ate for the past. But it was incredibly refreshing to realize that what I wanted for the present wasn't junk.
By letting myself eat whatever I want, I'm not going to eat the world.
I'm certainly not there yet, and clearly it will be little steps, but I honestly feel really refreshed by this experience. Even if I didn't eat the most healthy, I wanted to. And I honestly can rarely remember a time it's been that way - it's so often the opposite: eating healthy when what I want more than anything in the world is junk. And even more than that, it feels so much like I am listening to my body: my body, not my external moral sense of "should" or my desire to restrict myself or even the memory of my mother and her food rules, is telling me what I want to eat and what makes me feel good. So I'm not perfect yet on following through with what it tells me. But I'm certainly getting better at listening, right?
Right! And I think a lot of that is made so much better by not knowing what I weigh. Though I'll be honest, it's a struggle every day not to weigh myself. It's a struggle. Ugh - why can't this be easy??
I love you self. You are the best. We can do this!
I know, I know. Hardly rocket science, right? Except people have been saying to me for years: "Oh, I can't eat that, I'll feel gross," or, "I just ate way to much junk, I feel absolutely disgusting," and quite honestly, I had no idea what they meant. I mean, I thought that I understood. But really, I was just saying the outer words without understanding the inner feelings: I thought that I should feel gross about myself when I ate too much, but I never actually felt that way. In fact, I always wanted to eat more: I can remember many situations when after a slice or two of pizza or some other quantity of some other junk, a friend would say, "oh, I feel gross," and I would say that I agreed, but secretly - I honestly wished that I could eat more. But I didn't think it was appropriate to do so, that it would make me a slob to do so. So "feeling gross" or "foods that don't actually make you feel good" were always more of a moral judgment, a way that I thought I should feel, than an actual physical reaction.
But maybe part of the reason for that, to be honest, is that I never actually let myself eat exactly what I wanted. There were always restrictions, and I was almost always feeling guilty about what I ate, especially if I ate more than what I deemed to be an "appropriate" portion size.
But now, very very slowly, I'm starting to understand what the "gross" thing means. Take tonight: I just pushed myself really hard at the gym (it felt great, though!) and was starving after, so I got dinner. I knew that I was hungry, and that protein and vegetables would feel good, so I got a little of that. But I was also craving something comforting, something warm, so I got a big portion of eggplant that was rolled around ricotta and had tomato sauce on top. And I got a big cookie. And you know what, I ate all of it!
And I honestly don't feel guilty about that. I mean, well I do feel a little bit guilty, if I'm honest, but I'm also learning how to forgive myself. But the thing I feel more strongly, is gross. As I was finishing up the eggplant, I thought to myself, "you know what, I would have rather had a bit more chicken and vegetables than all of this. The chicken and vegetables was light, made me feel good and full. Maybe I could have gotten a bit of rice salad, or chickpea salad with it for carbs. But this just feels heavy and doesn't make me feel good. I'd like a bite of this, but having the whole thing doesn't actually make me feel good."
And then I saw my big cookie. A triple chocolate cookie. And I thought, "I shouldn't eat this. This won't make me feel good." But then I also thought, "But you love these cookies. You used to binge on these cookies. Let yourself have this cookie, don't limit yourself." So I ate it. I ate all of it. But you know what I realized? I was eating for all of the times that I hadn't let myself eat it in the past. I wasn't eating for what I wanted in this moment. What I wanted in this moment was a big big glass of ice water and maybe a square of dark chocolate. But you know, it's ok to eat for the past, too. I don't hate myself or anything. It's just about being aware.
So, basically, I ate a huge meal. So I guess calorically it wasn't really a "victory" or anything. But it felt, quite honestly, really refreshing to realize that what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was healthy food. Some grilled chicken, vegetables, and a bit of rice salad would have been absolutely perfect tonight. But I'm still in the process of convincing myself that yes, you can have exactly what you want when you want it. So I ate for that purpose too, I ate for the past. But it was incredibly refreshing to realize that what I wanted for the present wasn't junk.
By letting myself eat whatever I want, I'm not going to eat the world.
I'm certainly not there yet, and clearly it will be little steps, but I honestly feel really refreshed by this experience. Even if I didn't eat the most healthy, I wanted to. And I honestly can rarely remember a time it's been that way - it's so often the opposite: eating healthy when what I want more than anything in the world is junk. And even more than that, it feels so much like I am listening to my body: my body, not my external moral sense of "should" or my desire to restrict myself or even the memory of my mother and her food rules, is telling me what I want to eat and what makes me feel good. So I'm not perfect yet on following through with what it tells me. But I'm certainly getting better at listening, right?
Right! And I think a lot of that is made so much better by not knowing what I weigh. Though I'll be honest, it's a struggle every day not to weigh myself. It's a struggle. Ugh - why can't this be easy??
I love you self. You are the best. We can do this!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Earth to self:
1. If you want to stop studying, if you have worked hard and are legitimately tired and can't concentrate, it's ok to stop. You don't have to eat a second and a third cookie. You could just stop, and read a book, or read the blogs you like, or go to sleep. You could do anything that nourishes you. It's ok that you ate those cookies - it's certainly not going to hurt you - but we both know that you didn't eat those cookies because you legitimately wanted them. You ate them because you didn't want to work.
So all I'm saying is that next time, let's take out the middle-man of emotional eating, ok? I'll just let you take a break. Even an hour-long break! And we'll watch an hour of t.v. together, or read, or do whatever you want. You don't have to be ashamed to tell me what you want, body: I will listen. I'm trying to listen better now. I love you.
2. Eating healthy foods feels good. Vegetables feel good. Fruit feels good. Grilled chicken feels good. I experienced all of these things this evening, and it felt good. And you know what else, chocolate felt really good too, when it was in balance with all of those things. Not like you can't eat junk. You definitely do so whenever you want to! But you actually do like healthy foods. So you don't need to keep eating junk at every moment in the day to make up for the years when you couldn't. You can also eat healthy foods, and enjoy that too, because you would like to do so in the present moment. Just a thought.
3. I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry I don't always listen to you, but I am so thankful for you. I want to try harder to listen to you. I want to do things that make you feel happier in a spiritual and emotional and physical sense. I'm sorry when I abuse you, and I'm thankful that you bounce back, no matter what I do. I love you - and I'm going to work harder to let us be a team: you and me, me and you.
So all I'm saying is that next time, let's take out the middle-man of emotional eating, ok? I'll just let you take a break. Even an hour-long break! And we'll watch an hour of t.v. together, or read, or do whatever you want. You don't have to be ashamed to tell me what you want, body: I will listen. I'm trying to listen better now. I love you.
2. Eating healthy foods feels good. Vegetables feel good. Fruit feels good. Grilled chicken feels good. I experienced all of these things this evening, and it felt good. And you know what else, chocolate felt really good too, when it was in balance with all of those things. Not like you can't eat junk. You definitely do so whenever you want to! But you actually do like healthy foods. So you don't need to keep eating junk at every moment in the day to make up for the years when you couldn't. You can also eat healthy foods, and enjoy that too, because you would like to do so in the present moment. Just a thought.
3. I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry I don't always listen to you, but I am so thankful for you. I want to try harder to listen to you. I want to do things that make you feel happier in a spiritual and emotional and physical sense. I'm sorry when I abuse you, and I'm thankful that you bounce back, no matter what I do. I love you - and I'm going to work harder to let us be a team: you and me, me and you.
One step back, and procrastination
It's remarkable how I could feel like I was taking steps forward, but today it feels completely like steps back, all the time. Here are some of the things that I feel upset about:
1. Graduation speaker. I was rejected about a week ago, and was upset about it at the time, but I thought that I dealt wtih my emotions and moved past it. But now, seeing the people who actually got it, I feel upset all over again. Yeah, it does feel super petty, but its also true.
2. My Body. It just feels gross. And heavy. I guess I've basically just been feeding it a lot of crap lately and not really exercising. Especially a lot of nutella. It's beginning to feel as if my entire body is made up nutella. Ugh.
3. My work. I have my final final exam of my college experience on Thursday, and the last thing that I want in the world is to study for it. I can tell that I truly feel that way because I've been eating instead of studying for it. I've been doing anything instead of studying for it, in fact.
4. Dealing with apartment stuff with my friends. I hate that no one is responding to my e-mails. It makes me feel needy, and like they aren't that involved. Clearly, I am happy to spearhead things, but I want people to at least feel enthused about following my guidance. Ugh.
Ok, I just took a pause in writing this blog post to do one of my favorite procrastination activities: looking at real estate. And I feel better: less frantic, calmer. I want to eat less, which is a hugely good sign for me, actually. Plus, I want to put my day in perspective:
Yes, you aren't going to speak at Graduation. But that in NO WAY makes you less worthwhile, ok? I still love you, and you did your best. You wrote the best speech you possibly could have - you were one of 11 finalists! And dealing with this defeat only makes you stronger, it only helps you to realize that you are still powerful and worthwhile even when life hands you lemons. It doesn't take any power of character to be happy when eveything goes well. You can and will moe on from this, and not let it touch you. And, sincerely, I do still feel proud of the speech that I wrote. I made huge revisions, I devoted a bunch of time to it. I quite honestly could not have written a better speech. So, whatever. I did my best. That's really all that I can do.
And the body thing. That's a tough one. Honestly, I want to remind myself to focus on my little victories recently. I haven't been having ridiculous, out of control binges as much. And, much more importantly, I have been feeling more and more liberated from the scale, more and more like my self worth is independent of that number, and that my beauty is how I choose to be. So, as I reflect on it, that is actually HUGE for me. To not wake up every morning obsessed with the scale. To not spend every night weighing myself, and then weighing myself an hour later, hoping that I will have shed some water weight (which doesn't mean anything, after all).
So yes, I feel kind of gross right now. But I feel gross from a very honest place. My body is telling me something. Which, as I think about it, is actually kind of magical. It's not that I feel fat because I feel frustrated with the number on the scale. I feel gross because I have honestly been feeding myself food that is junky, and I've been eating too much of it. In some ways, that's exactly what I've needed over the past 2 weeks - I needed to convince myself that I could have as much of and whatever food I wanted. I even bought a jar of nutella and put it in my sock drawer and promised myself I could have it whenever I wanted - because nutella had always been a binge food to me. And you know what, I've been keeping good on that promise to myself - I have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.
And you know what is crazy? My body has not destroyed itself.
Yes, I've gained a bit of weight. A few pounds. But I am literally eating whatever I want. Both mornings of this weekend I bought a pastry and had it with a huge glass of milk for breakfast. And it was exquisitely satisfying. Adn you know what else? I didn't feel frantic about it. I just knew that I wanted to eat a chocolate-almond croissant. So I bought one, and savored the whole thing. Before, I would have considered doing so a binge, and it would have inspired me to binge on other things. But those mornings, I was just getting exactly what I wanted, and I wasn't crazy about it.
Plus, I literally have gone through 2 jars of nutella in a little over a week. And you know what I thought this morning, as I finished off my second jar of nutella? This makes me feel gross and like my body is made of sugar. I don't actually really enjoy this any more, I'm just sort of eating it to prove to myself I can. I mean, it's still good, but not to-die-for like before. I don't think I will buy another jar of nutella. Maybe I'll eat some when I get to Europe, but not very often.
Honestly. That is what I thought. Isn't that insane? I never thought I would get to that point.
So maybe what I'm trying to say is that I think maybe I'm approaching a new point in my food journey: I'm a little tired of eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Not that I want to restrict, but I think that I would be honestly happier, and feel better, if I ate a little less, and a little healthier foods, and if I tried to move a little more.
Which is not to say that I think I'm going to be healthy all the time. Far from it. I know that I'll still want dessert every day, and pastries for many breakfasts. But maybe more vegetables and fruits? Maybe smaller portions? Maybe more grilled, rather than fried protein? Yes, I think that all actually sounds really appealing right now.
Wow, maybe this isn't something to be depressed about at all. Maybe I have gained a little weight. Maybe I do feel a little gross right now. But for the first time, in just about as long as I can remember, I don't feel crazy about food. I don't feel obsessed about my number on the scale. If I want to go out tomorrow and eat a chocolate almond croissant and 2 cups of milk, I totally can. I can and will eat dessert tonight, and tomorrow, and the night after that. But at the same time, I realize that I'd like to be a little healthier - not because I "should" or even because I "have to." But rather, because I'd like to. I'd like to feel healthier in my body. I'd like for sugar to feel more like a treat, because I don't have it every 2 hours. I'd like for my body to feel stronger and more connected.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think my life is going to radically change. I think it will be baby steps. But for the first time in a long time, it might be coming from a sincere place of being kind to myself, rather than punishing myself. Hmm, I feel so much more hopeful about everything, all of a sudden.
Now back to studying! (Wow, I even feel more focused, too!)
1. Graduation speaker. I was rejected about a week ago, and was upset about it at the time, but I thought that I dealt wtih my emotions and moved past it. But now, seeing the people who actually got it, I feel upset all over again. Yeah, it does feel super petty, but its also true.
2. My Body. It just feels gross. And heavy. I guess I've basically just been feeding it a lot of crap lately and not really exercising. Especially a lot of nutella. It's beginning to feel as if my entire body is made up nutella. Ugh.
3. My work. I have my final final exam of my college experience on Thursday, and the last thing that I want in the world is to study for it. I can tell that I truly feel that way because I've been eating instead of studying for it. I've been doing anything instead of studying for it, in fact.
4. Dealing with apartment stuff with my friends. I hate that no one is responding to my e-mails. It makes me feel needy, and like they aren't that involved. Clearly, I am happy to spearhead things, but I want people to at least feel enthused about following my guidance. Ugh.
Ok, I just took a pause in writing this blog post to do one of my favorite procrastination activities: looking at real estate. And I feel better: less frantic, calmer. I want to eat less, which is a hugely good sign for me, actually. Plus, I want to put my day in perspective:
Yes, you aren't going to speak at Graduation. But that in NO WAY makes you less worthwhile, ok? I still love you, and you did your best. You wrote the best speech you possibly could have - you were one of 11 finalists! And dealing with this defeat only makes you stronger, it only helps you to realize that you are still powerful and worthwhile even when life hands you lemons. It doesn't take any power of character to be happy when eveything goes well. You can and will moe on from this, and not let it touch you. And, sincerely, I do still feel proud of the speech that I wrote. I made huge revisions, I devoted a bunch of time to it. I quite honestly could not have written a better speech. So, whatever. I did my best. That's really all that I can do.
And the body thing. That's a tough one. Honestly, I want to remind myself to focus on my little victories recently. I haven't been having ridiculous, out of control binges as much. And, much more importantly, I have been feeling more and more liberated from the scale, more and more like my self worth is independent of that number, and that my beauty is how I choose to be. So, as I reflect on it, that is actually HUGE for me. To not wake up every morning obsessed with the scale. To not spend every night weighing myself, and then weighing myself an hour later, hoping that I will have shed some water weight (which doesn't mean anything, after all).
So yes, I feel kind of gross right now. But I feel gross from a very honest place. My body is telling me something. Which, as I think about it, is actually kind of magical. It's not that I feel fat because I feel frustrated with the number on the scale. I feel gross because I have honestly been feeding myself food that is junky, and I've been eating too much of it. In some ways, that's exactly what I've needed over the past 2 weeks - I needed to convince myself that I could have as much of and whatever food I wanted. I even bought a jar of nutella and put it in my sock drawer and promised myself I could have it whenever I wanted - because nutella had always been a binge food to me. And you know what, I've been keeping good on that promise to myself - I have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.
And you know what is crazy? My body has not destroyed itself.
Yes, I've gained a bit of weight. A few pounds. But I am literally eating whatever I want. Both mornings of this weekend I bought a pastry and had it with a huge glass of milk for breakfast. And it was exquisitely satisfying. Adn you know what else? I didn't feel frantic about it. I just knew that I wanted to eat a chocolate-almond croissant. So I bought one, and savored the whole thing. Before, I would have considered doing so a binge, and it would have inspired me to binge on other things. But those mornings, I was just getting exactly what I wanted, and I wasn't crazy about it.
Plus, I literally have gone through 2 jars of nutella in a little over a week. And you know what I thought this morning, as I finished off my second jar of nutella? This makes me feel gross and like my body is made of sugar. I don't actually really enjoy this any more, I'm just sort of eating it to prove to myself I can. I mean, it's still good, but not to-die-for like before. I don't think I will buy another jar of nutella. Maybe I'll eat some when I get to Europe, but not very often.
Honestly. That is what I thought. Isn't that insane? I never thought I would get to that point.
So maybe what I'm trying to say is that I think maybe I'm approaching a new point in my food journey: I'm a little tired of eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Not that I want to restrict, but I think that I would be honestly happier, and feel better, if I ate a little less, and a little healthier foods, and if I tried to move a little more.
Which is not to say that I think I'm going to be healthy all the time. Far from it. I know that I'll still want dessert every day, and pastries for many breakfasts. But maybe more vegetables and fruits? Maybe smaller portions? Maybe more grilled, rather than fried protein? Yes, I think that all actually sounds really appealing right now.
Wow, maybe this isn't something to be depressed about at all. Maybe I have gained a little weight. Maybe I do feel a little gross right now. But for the first time, in just about as long as I can remember, I don't feel crazy about food. I don't feel obsessed about my number on the scale. If I want to go out tomorrow and eat a chocolate almond croissant and 2 cups of milk, I totally can. I can and will eat dessert tonight, and tomorrow, and the night after that. But at the same time, I realize that I'd like to be a little healthier - not because I "should" or even because I "have to." But rather, because I'd like to. I'd like to feel healthier in my body. I'd like for sugar to feel more like a treat, because I don't have it every 2 hours. I'd like for my body to feel stronger and more connected.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think my life is going to radically change. I think it will be baby steps. But for the first time in a long time, it might be coming from a sincere place of being kind to myself, rather than punishing myself. Hmm, I feel so much more hopeful about everything, all of a sudden.
Now back to studying! (Wow, I even feel more focused, too!)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Scales
[meant to post last night, but internet was being a pain:]
Weighing myself is such a clear sign of my compulsion. It’s something that I’ve been really, well, obsessive about for a long time – when I’m worried about my weight, I weight myself at least twice a day (once right before bed, once twice in the morning). I have all kinds of superstitions about the scale – where I will put it in my room, how I will hold my body when I’m on it, etc. And, invariably, if I don’t like what I see in the morning (which is what I count as my “official” weigh-in), even if its just a half pound more than my “goal,” I will eat. I even expect it now – I can feel it rising in me, the desire to eat chocolate and lots of it.
This behavior is so clearly irrational. Why in the world would I eat when I don’t like what I weigh? But I guess it has nothing to do with reason.
And part of my process of “Breaking Free” of my compulsion, I’ve stopped weighing myself. Even after a few days, I felt like a better person. I’d been eating a lot, so I felt heavier than usual, but I also felt SO much happier. I felt more beautiful (and other people told me I was, too), I felt more confident in my choices, I felt more interesting and witty. My whole day didn’t revolve around the number on the scale – I had so much energy to devote to other things.
So I weighed myself last night. And kind of freaked out. And basically worked through it, but kind of freaked out. And it affected me today, too. All I wanted to do was to prove to myself that if I went back to my “old ways” even for a day, when I was “healthier” (i.e. restricted more), I could lose some water weight from all of this excessive eating. In essence, I was trying to calm myself from a bit of weight gain.
So I get that. I totally get that this was my response. But, quite honestly, today was awful. Today I weighed myself when I woke up, and after lunch, and then again after lunch, and again after my run, and three times in the evening. I know, it feels ridiculous writing it down – I sound like such a crazy compulsive weigher. The rational part of me keeps reminding myself that my actual weight didn’t actually change during that entire time. But I just wanted to know how the water weight fluctuations affected everything, you know? Well, maybe you don’t. But I wanted to know.
And, you know what? I hate it. I hate every second that I spend obsessing about that number on the scale when I could be doing something productive or fun. I HATE IT. I feel trapped in this obsession, wasting so much energy and creativity that would be so much better spent doing something, anything else. But I am obsessed with my scale.
And, wait, here’s the clincher: I’ve been like this for a long time. I almost wrote: “I used to be like this all the time,” but the truth is that I’m not even close to being over my scale compulsion. But I’ve had a taste of life without it, and I want to get back there. Honestly, fuck what I weigh. I’m SO much more interested in how I feel, emotional, spiritually, intellectually, and yes, physically. But I don’t want a stupid scale number to tell me whether I’m allowed to feel good about myself. That makes me feel angry. That makes me feel genuinely angry.
So, I will weigh myself tomorrow, and then not again for a while. I don’t want to give myself an end date, though it’s tempting. Just a while. I think that’s treating myself with kindness.
I love you, self. I really do. I love you!
Weighing myself is such a clear sign of my compulsion. It’s something that I’ve been really, well, obsessive about for a long time – when I’m worried about my weight, I weight myself at least twice a day (once right before bed, once twice in the morning). I have all kinds of superstitions about the scale – where I will put it in my room, how I will hold my body when I’m on it, etc. And, invariably, if I don’t like what I see in the morning (which is what I count as my “official” weigh-in), even if its just a half pound more than my “goal,” I will eat. I even expect it now – I can feel it rising in me, the desire to eat chocolate and lots of it.
This behavior is so clearly irrational. Why in the world would I eat when I don’t like what I weigh? But I guess it has nothing to do with reason.
And part of my process of “Breaking Free” of my compulsion, I’ve stopped weighing myself. Even after a few days, I felt like a better person. I’d been eating a lot, so I felt heavier than usual, but I also felt SO much happier. I felt more beautiful (and other people told me I was, too), I felt more confident in my choices, I felt more interesting and witty. My whole day didn’t revolve around the number on the scale – I had so much energy to devote to other things.
So I weighed myself last night. And kind of freaked out. And basically worked through it, but kind of freaked out. And it affected me today, too. All I wanted to do was to prove to myself that if I went back to my “old ways” even for a day, when I was “healthier” (i.e. restricted more), I could lose some water weight from all of this excessive eating. In essence, I was trying to calm myself from a bit of weight gain.
So I get that. I totally get that this was my response. But, quite honestly, today was awful. Today I weighed myself when I woke up, and after lunch, and then again after lunch, and again after my run, and three times in the evening. I know, it feels ridiculous writing it down – I sound like such a crazy compulsive weigher. The rational part of me keeps reminding myself that my actual weight didn’t actually change during that entire time. But I just wanted to know how the water weight fluctuations affected everything, you know? Well, maybe you don’t. But I wanted to know.
And, you know what? I hate it. I hate every second that I spend obsessing about that number on the scale when I could be doing something productive or fun. I HATE IT. I feel trapped in this obsession, wasting so much energy and creativity that would be so much better spent doing something, anything else. But I am obsessed with my scale.
And, wait, here’s the clincher: I’ve been like this for a long time. I almost wrote: “I used to be like this all the time,” but the truth is that I’m not even close to being over my scale compulsion. But I’ve had a taste of life without it, and I want to get back there. Honestly, fuck what I weigh. I’m SO much more interested in how I feel, emotional, spiritually, intellectually, and yes, physically. But I don’t want a stupid scale number to tell me whether I’m allowed to feel good about myself. That makes me feel angry. That makes me feel genuinely angry.
So, I will weigh myself tomorrow, and then not again for a while. I don’t want to give myself an end date, though it’s tempting. Just a while. I think that’s treating myself with kindness.
I love you, self. I really do. I love you!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Progress
I think I made progress today. I really do. But, at the same time, it’s hard to accept that every day of progress isn’t linear. Sometimes I can take steps forward, backwards, up, down, and even sideways all in one day.
I've been eating pretty "normally" - sort of eating what I want, not from an emotional standpoint. I haven't been always eating from hunger (sometime I've been eating when I'm not super hungry, but it is a mealtime), but I fell ok about that, too. It's so funny - I've been feeling really beautiful, too. It's actually remarkable how much better I feel about myself, how much more georgous and worthwhile I feel, when I don't know how much I weigh. I got so many compliments today, on my shirt and my earings, and just that I was looking good in general - and I know that I gained a few pounds recently - I've been eating so much junk. But I feel, emotionally and spiritually, really wonderful. Really happy. More happy than I've been in a long time, actually.
And a ton of things went super-well for me today. First, some background: a lot of what has been propelling my new desire to re-examine my relationship with food is that I got my grade for my senior thesis back last week, and it was lower than I had been hoping for... and I was absolutely crushed. It sounds really petty of me, when I reflect on it, that I felt that way, but that's the honest truth: I was really upset about it. In many ways, I think I was so upset because I had felt so proud on it - I honestly think it's the best thing I've done in college - and I wanted to get a good grade on it.
But as I processed my disappointment, I realized that I was treating getting this grade the same way I often treat food. Like, I was ultimately hoping that if I did well on my thesis, my food issues would disappear, just like I often think that my issues will disappear if I lose weight. And, in some ways, I was waiting until I got my grade on my thesis to move on with my life, to do a lot of things, and I was depending on it for validation. Just like with food and my body image. Even though I was incredibly proud of the work that I'd done, I needed my grader to validate that work.
It was so bizarre to see those same relationships to play themselves out in something other than food.
But anyway, I gathered the courage to talk to my advisor about it today. My Mom advised me that it would help me to get closure to talk to her about what I could have done better, and I think she was totally right. So I talked to her...and...it turned out that she had written the grade down wrong! How crazy is that? She actually meant to give me a really fantastic grade, the grade that I had been hoping for all along! This was such a hilight of my day!
But also, I am auditioning to speak at my school's graduation, and I revised my speech tonight. I read it to my roommate, and she gave me absolutely amazing feedback. And it was so...fun to do. I felt absolutely invigorated, worthwhile, fulfilled doing that. I was completely absorbed in the task and I felt so...nourished by it.
So, summary: I felt awesome today. I felt beautiful, I learned that I did much better on my thesis than I previously thought, and I got to do fun, creative work.
But then here's the crazy part: I got on the scale. I got on the scale, and it said a number much higher than I felt comfortable with. A number that made me want to cry, scream, cut my flesh from my body. A number that made me feel ashamed and embarassed of myself. A number that made me feel not worthwhile, like an absolute idiot who lacks any self control. Wow, it's embarassing to type all that.
And when I think about it rationally, it's not surprising that this number is higher than I'd like. I've been eating a lot lately. I've been letting myself do it, and I've taken full advantage of it. I don't this is necessarily wrong. A part of me has been testing myself, like, "is it really ok to eat all this at this meal?" And I've been saying, "yes, you can eat it if you want," every time.
Which, I know, is unhealthy. This isn't a healthy lifestyle in the longterm. But, quite honeslty, I do not think it will last. Eating so much food, and so much of it junk, makes me feel kind of gross. I can see the end in sight, which I couldn't, even a week ago. Here's the crazy thing: I had always thought that if I let myself eat whatever and whenever I wanted, I would eat the world and become morbidly obese.
So the truth is: I do eat a lot. But if I truly let myself eat, and promise myself that the restrictions are gone forever, I eventually stop. And far, far sooner than if I'd restricted myself. My binges are getting smaller, noticably. After I saw that atrocious number on the scale, all I wanted to do was binge. So I said to myself, "ok, if that's what you want, let's do it."
So I got out the Nutella, and I had spoonful of it. And savored a second spoonfull. And as I was getting the second spoonfull, I thought to myself, "what are you afraid of? what would it feel like to experience the things you are afraid of?" I'm afraid of being fat. More specifically, I'm afraid of having a huge stomach and thunder thighs when I go to the Jersey Shore with my friends and feeling like a cow. I'm afraid of being fat at graduation and having my mom whisper disapproving things into my ear and feeling super-self conscious at graduation.
So I let myself feel both of those moments. I imagined I was experiencing both of those moments, and I honeslty felt the emotions wash over me. Because they honestly did, I could honestly feel them passing over my entire body. And I felt sad and upset and ashamed, but you know what: it wasn't as bad as my fear of those emotions.
And eventually, it passed. And after that, I didn't want Nutella anymore, so I put it away. And yes, I binged. And yes, I ate 3 BIG spoonfulls. But whatever. I didn't eat the whole container. And I ate it in a controlled manner. And I wasn't afraid, either of the binge or of the emotions. I let myself experience both. So I'm proud of that, too.
So here's the deal. I feel SO much happier about my life than I did even a few days ago. Forgiving myself, being kind and compassionate to myself - I can't even explain how those simple ideas have rocked my world. Yes, I'm bigger than I want to be, and I'm not going to pretend that my fear of the beach and of graduation aren't real, but I'm really astonished my how genuinely happy I feel about most other areas of my life, how much better other things are getting as I get the courage to break free of my food compulsions.
So I'm going to try to take the risk one more day. I can always go back to waht I was doing before, to weighing myself multiple times a day and restricting and obsessing, if I want to. I can go back anytime. I honestly feel safer and healthier and saner around food than I've felt in a really long time. And, in my heart, I believe that even though my weight has gone up, it will go back down. And once it goes down, it will be for real because it won't be the result of restrictions. And maybe I'll be saner, in the process, right?
I love you, self. Don't forget it! I love you!
I've been eating pretty "normally" - sort of eating what I want, not from an emotional standpoint. I haven't been always eating from hunger (sometime I've been eating when I'm not super hungry, but it is a mealtime), but I fell ok about that, too. It's so funny - I've been feeling really beautiful, too. It's actually remarkable how much better I feel about myself, how much more georgous and worthwhile I feel, when I don't know how much I weigh. I got so many compliments today, on my shirt and my earings, and just that I was looking good in general - and I know that I gained a few pounds recently - I've been eating so much junk. But I feel, emotionally and spiritually, really wonderful. Really happy. More happy than I've been in a long time, actually.
And a ton of things went super-well for me today. First, some background: a lot of what has been propelling my new desire to re-examine my relationship with food is that I got my grade for my senior thesis back last week, and it was lower than I had been hoping for... and I was absolutely crushed. It sounds really petty of me, when I reflect on it, that I felt that way, but that's the honest truth: I was really upset about it. In many ways, I think I was so upset because I had felt so proud on it - I honestly think it's the best thing I've done in college - and I wanted to get a good grade on it.
But as I processed my disappointment, I realized that I was treating getting this grade the same way I often treat food. Like, I was ultimately hoping that if I did well on my thesis, my food issues would disappear, just like I often think that my issues will disappear if I lose weight. And, in some ways, I was waiting until I got my grade on my thesis to move on with my life, to do a lot of things, and I was depending on it for validation. Just like with food and my body image. Even though I was incredibly proud of the work that I'd done, I needed my grader to validate that work.
It was so bizarre to see those same relationships to play themselves out in something other than food.
But anyway, I gathered the courage to talk to my advisor about it today. My Mom advised me that it would help me to get closure to talk to her about what I could have done better, and I think she was totally right. So I talked to her...and...it turned out that she had written the grade down wrong! How crazy is that? She actually meant to give me a really fantastic grade, the grade that I had been hoping for all along! This was such a hilight of my day!
But also, I am auditioning to speak at my school's graduation, and I revised my speech tonight. I read it to my roommate, and she gave me absolutely amazing feedback. And it was so...fun to do. I felt absolutely invigorated, worthwhile, fulfilled doing that. I was completely absorbed in the task and I felt so...nourished by it.
So, summary: I felt awesome today. I felt beautiful, I learned that I did much better on my thesis than I previously thought, and I got to do fun, creative work.
But then here's the crazy part: I got on the scale. I got on the scale, and it said a number much higher than I felt comfortable with. A number that made me want to cry, scream, cut my flesh from my body. A number that made me feel ashamed and embarassed of myself. A number that made me feel not worthwhile, like an absolute idiot who lacks any self control. Wow, it's embarassing to type all that.
And when I think about it rationally, it's not surprising that this number is higher than I'd like. I've been eating a lot lately. I've been letting myself do it, and I've taken full advantage of it. I don't this is necessarily wrong. A part of me has been testing myself, like, "is it really ok to eat all this at this meal?" And I've been saying, "yes, you can eat it if you want," every time.
Which, I know, is unhealthy. This isn't a healthy lifestyle in the longterm. But, quite honeslty, I do not think it will last. Eating so much food, and so much of it junk, makes me feel kind of gross. I can see the end in sight, which I couldn't, even a week ago. Here's the crazy thing: I had always thought that if I let myself eat whatever and whenever I wanted, I would eat the world and become morbidly obese.
So the truth is: I do eat a lot. But if I truly let myself eat, and promise myself that the restrictions are gone forever, I eventually stop. And far, far sooner than if I'd restricted myself. My binges are getting smaller, noticably. After I saw that atrocious number on the scale, all I wanted to do was binge. So I said to myself, "ok, if that's what you want, let's do it."
So I got out the Nutella, and I had spoonful of it. And savored a second spoonfull. And as I was getting the second spoonfull, I thought to myself, "what are you afraid of? what would it feel like to experience the things you are afraid of?" I'm afraid of being fat. More specifically, I'm afraid of having a huge stomach and thunder thighs when I go to the Jersey Shore with my friends and feeling like a cow. I'm afraid of being fat at graduation and having my mom whisper disapproving things into my ear and feeling super-self conscious at graduation.
So I let myself feel both of those moments. I imagined I was experiencing both of those moments, and I honeslty felt the emotions wash over me. Because they honestly did, I could honestly feel them passing over my entire body. And I felt sad and upset and ashamed, but you know what: it wasn't as bad as my fear of those emotions.
And eventually, it passed. And after that, I didn't want Nutella anymore, so I put it away. And yes, I binged. And yes, I ate 3 BIG spoonfulls. But whatever. I didn't eat the whole container. And I ate it in a controlled manner. And I wasn't afraid, either of the binge or of the emotions. I let myself experience both. So I'm proud of that, too.
So here's the deal. I feel SO much happier about my life than I did even a few days ago. Forgiving myself, being kind and compassionate to myself - I can't even explain how those simple ideas have rocked my world. Yes, I'm bigger than I want to be, and I'm not going to pretend that my fear of the beach and of graduation aren't real, but I'm really astonished my how genuinely happy I feel about most other areas of my life, how much better other things are getting as I get the courage to break free of my food compulsions.
So I'm going to try to take the risk one more day. I can always go back to waht I was doing before, to weighing myself multiple times a day and restricting and obsessing, if I want to. I can go back anytime. I honestly feel safer and healthier and saner around food than I've felt in a really long time. And, in my heart, I believe that even though my weight has gone up, it will go back down. And once it goes down, it will be for real because it won't be the result of restrictions. And maybe I'll be saner, in the process, right?
I love you, self. Don't forget it! I love you!
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