In the eye of the storm

I am in the middle of a binge right now. It's a scary place. I was stressed out, then I noticed I was eating. And then, on some level, I thought, "wouldn't it be nice to keep eating? Wouldn't it be nice to keep eating?"

I feel like I want to cry. I feel like I want to hide. I feel like I want to run away and not come out. I feel like I want to go back to bed.

It wasn't an enormous binge: a granola bar, some sweedish fish, probably two handfuls of chocolate covered raisins. But I have been feeling it come on all morning. Rich is stressing me out. And without Sanjay here, I honestly don't know what to do. I am supposed to be in charge for corporate, and I honestly don't know what he wants. Particularly after that second-year BA workshop, I feel like I should be better than this. I should be on top of my workstream, and other people's workstreams, too. Instead I am overwhelmed and bingeing.

Ok, Katie, let's breathe here. Your eating is rational. Your eating is in response to rational behavior. You are scared, and lost, and overwhelmed and so you are eating this way.

And you can only do what you can do. You can't be a rockstar BA out of thin air. You can only do what you can do. I love you. Did you know that?

You can only do what you can do.

Ok, you are stressed out. You are scared. So let's problem-solve together. I will wrap my arms around you, and we will problem-solve together. Here's what I think you need to do:

0. Breathe. I love you. You will be great. I think you are just scared because Sanjay is gone, but you will be ok. Ok?

1. Complete the model for 2011 that you and Sanjay discussed; Or maybe 2013? No, 2011, because Rich really cares about people moving in enhancement versus development, and you only have data that far back

2. Put together some kind of explanation for the back-up page. I don't know what this looks like yet, but will deal with it when I get to it. Ok? Ok.

3. Put together some more materials for Marie.

4. Breathe

1.5 years later

Wow.

That's my first reaction. For how far I've come in the past year and a half, and how far I have to go.

It makes me sad to read my blog entries from a year-and-a-half ago, because I wish they weren't true. Because when I think back on my life in college, I sometimes think I was exaggerating how bad my relationship to food and my body image was. I sometimes think I was exaggerating how much I weighed myself, and how much that affected my day. But I wasn't. But it was all true.

I've come a long way in the time between now and then. I have spent hours journaling and thinking and reading and writing about my relationship with food and with my body. And I have come to understand that it's bigger than that - that my relationship with food and my body is intimately tied to how I live my life. In some ways, this feels like it has been the most fundamental transformation of my life. This is the closest I have ever come to a spiritual conversion:

• I have thrown away my scale, and not known what I weigh for at least a year (except for one, very short-lived relapse this spring when I thought it might be a good idea)
• I keep massive quantities of anything and everything delicious in my apartment - at this moment, chocolate peanut butter cups, ice cream, 5 types of cookies 
• More importantly, I eat those delicious things whenever I want. Which meant, for a several month stretch, that I ate mostly some mixture of dark chocolate peanut butter cups, carrot cake, peanut butter cupcakes, and cookies. Now I've started to crave real food, but I firmly believe that it was only after this long process that it became possible for me to actually want real food, rather than to have it just because I needed to fill up so that I wouldn't eat too much of what I actually wanted (e.g., sugar-based things)
• Even more importantly, I generally don't binge on any of these foods. In fact, I bought a box of Sees' Candies when I was home in April (a California delicacy), and put them in my top drawer. And about a month ago, I realized they had gone bad. And I had eaten only a few. Because you know what, I had other things to eat.
• I feel beautiful, and, dare I say it, sexy on a regular basis. I realized that before this summer, I had never, ever felt sexy. And now I do.
• And perhaps most importantly of all, I feel in-tune with myself almost all the time. Even if I do go numb, or I start eating emotionally - I am aware of it. And as a result, I get myself out of it much, much quicker. I used to go on binges that would last for days. Now, it's generally not more than a meal. And I credit my being able to survive my job for the past year, in no small part, to the fact that I am more in tune with myself, to when I am taking care of myself well, and to when I'm not

But at the same time, I have a long way to go. I still have times when I go numb. I still have times when I binge. I still have flashes (and they really are flashes, so SO much better than before) where I don't like my body, where I think that I should go on a diet immediately. This is never more true to me than it is in this absolute present moment:

I just put on a pair of jeans. And it was tight. And it has been tight for at least 2 or 3 months - but today it got to me - maybe because my chin was tingling in a way that I usually interpret to mean I've lost weight? I don't know what it is, but today it got to me. And then I furiously tried on all of my pants. And several of my dresses. All of which I knew were tight, all of which had been tight last time I put them on.  And yes, they were tight today. 

And I was furious. 

And I dashed around my apartment, even sneaking a peek into my roommate's room to see if I could find her scale (if she has one). 

And I thought to myself:

"Maybe I should go on a diet"

"I've gained weight in the past year - this is a crisis"

"What if I keep gaining weight forever? I won't fit into any clothes!"

"I am fat and unloveable. How can boys like me?"

Yes, ma'am, these were the thoughts that flashed through my head in that moment. And it was frantic. And I was so upset. I was distraught. I was convinced that my body would soon be larger than the borough of manhattan, and I would no longer fit through doors.

And there's nothing you can do to make things perfect when you are that upset. If anything, that's what I've learned over the past year and a half. But you can do everything possible in your power to be kind to yourself. To speak softly and kindly to yourself. Because above all, the danger in those moments are that (a) you will spin out of control into a frenzy or (b) that you will go numb. And I desperately did not want either of those things to happen. 

So I stayed as aware as possible. I stepped away from my closet and my too-tight jeans (because I was clearly torturing myself slowly by trying them on). And I did the only thing that really helps - working through the problem. I journaled. 

And you know what, I feel a lot better. 

Yes, I am heavier than I would like to be. But also, I feel relatively sane. And that means a lot.