This was actually a huge day for little victories for me! I think that I ate a lot, but my relationship with food was refreshingly good:
1. Might as well start out with the most embarassing: I ate a piece of cake from a trash can. But hey, stay with me here: it was totally on the top of another student's trash, totally clean, don't judge me. And it was rich decadent cake, so good looking. But instead of standing next to the trash can, picking out many bites and stuffing them in my face until I'd eaten all of the leftover cake (3 slices), I broke off maybe 1/3 of one piece, and walked away, and savored my stolen cake. So I enjoyed it, and didn't eat frantically out of a trash can like a racoon. (Though I did take something from a trash can. I know, fine, judge me. Whatever, I'm a college student.)
2. I ran. Honestly, I never saw this coming when I started my day. I wanted to exercise, but I didn't want to go to the gym because it's so boring and because the day was absolutely gorgeous, so I decided to take a walk outside. And midway through the walk, I thought to myself that it would feel nice to try running for a minute or so. And so I ran for maybe 3 minutes, and it felt...well, like my body was unused to it. So I went back to a walk, caught my breath, and started again, just to see what it felt like. And at every moment I tried to treat myself with as much kindness and compassion as I could - I kept asking myself how I was feeling, if I wanted to stop, etc. And here's the remarkable thing: once I relaxed that ridiculous rule that I created in my mind that said that once you start running, you have to run the whole time (and actually believed that this rule was gone), I didn't mind. I think I was more scared that I might need to stop running, but wouldn't be "allowed" (by myself; how ridiculous is that?). I think the fear of pain from running is worse than the actual pain. Isn't that crazy? Anyway, that was actually huge for me today.
3. I bought Nutella. Nutella is a huge binge food for me, I often buy and eat it during binges, and quite honestly, it is so delicious that I just don't trust myself with it - I always feel like I will relapse and eat everything in sight when I am around it. Like I will start by eating the whole container, and go on to eat the world. But I craved it. And I was thinking about how much I wanted to eat it when I was in Paris, and how I was simultaneously terrified of it. And I thought to myself: You know what, I can get this now, today, at the U-Store. So I got some. And I had this fantasty that I would eat just one spoonful and feel so incredibly fulfilled that I would only eat just that. Which I started with. And then I wanted more. By the end, I probably had 4-5 spoonfulls, but you know what, after that I stopped. And I quite honestly didn't want anymore. It wasn't like I was forcing myself to stop or reprimanding the child inside of me for my cravings - I just honestly didn't want it. Which actually felt HUGE to me.
So there you go: my little/big victories for the day. I actually ate a lot, at lunch and dinner, and especially my nutella snack in between, but I'm not freaking out about it. I love you, self!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Hard but Easy
Intuitive Eating. Accepting my body. Loving myself.
Sometimes it's easy. Like: I get to eat whenever I'm hungry, and exactly what I want? I don't have to go to the gym if I don't want to? I don't have to exercise at all if I don't want to? AND I have to make sure to nourish myself in other, non-food ways? Meaning that I have to read novels, or paint my nails, or listen to fun music, in order to make myself feel happy?
Seriously, isn't that all the key to happiness? How could I possibly be feeling anything else than on top of the world if these are my goals? Which they ARE!
But at the same time, they absolutely terrify me. My clothes are fitting a bit tight, and my family is coming at the end of the month for my graduation. What if I'm an absolute cow? What if my body just wants to keep eating forever, and never wants to stop? So I become morbidly obsese? What if none of my clothes fit me, and Mom whispers in my ear that maybe I shouldn't eat that next bite of dessert, and I feel absolutely mortified in pictures? And what if I go to the beach with my friends, and I feel like an absolute fat-ass in my bikini. What about that?
What it comes down to: I'm terrified to actually trust my body, to trust my emotions. I am afraid that if I don't stick to the attempts at restricting my food, I will eat the world. It's absolutely true. And, as a result, I will become morbidly obese. I don't trust myself at all.
And part of that is because I'm still tangled up in that whole "restricting" thing. Part of the reason I don't want to exercise (even though I do think in the back of my mind that it would feel good) is because I've forced myself to do it so many times, when I absolutely didn't want to, because I'm still rebelling against the times when Mom made me do it, even when I didn't want to. When I eat sweets, it isn't always because I absolutely want to; often it's a bit of a rebellion against not being able to in the past, to be honest.
And I can't keep eating and acting in reaction to forever. I can't eat for all of the times that I wasn't allowed to, or didn't allow myself to, forever. At some point, I need to eat for what will best nourish me now. But, let's be honest, it's sometimes hard to separate the two.
So that's why this whole process is hard but easy, I think. It's easy to eat what I want, do what I want, in theory. But it's hard to figure out exactly what it is that I want, and to make sure that's what I'm actually doing. I want to be doing what I want now, not making up for deprivation past.
I also want to make sure that I am truly loving and living in my body in the now. It is easier to do that when I don't weigh myself, I think; because I'm not constantly allowing the scale to judge me nad tell me whether I'm worthwhile. But it also makes me nervous, because I've depended on the scale to tell me that for so long. So, that's hard but easy, too.
Well, I guess those are my thoughts for the night. Thanks for tuning in. I really appreciate it.
Sometimes it's easy. Like: I get to eat whenever I'm hungry, and exactly what I want? I don't have to go to the gym if I don't want to? I don't have to exercise at all if I don't want to? AND I have to make sure to nourish myself in other, non-food ways? Meaning that I have to read novels, or paint my nails, or listen to fun music, in order to make myself feel happy?
Seriously, isn't that all the key to happiness? How could I possibly be feeling anything else than on top of the world if these are my goals? Which they ARE!
But at the same time, they absolutely terrify me. My clothes are fitting a bit tight, and my family is coming at the end of the month for my graduation. What if I'm an absolute cow? What if my body just wants to keep eating forever, and never wants to stop? So I become morbidly obsese? What if none of my clothes fit me, and Mom whispers in my ear that maybe I shouldn't eat that next bite of dessert, and I feel absolutely mortified in pictures? And what if I go to the beach with my friends, and I feel like an absolute fat-ass in my bikini. What about that?
What it comes down to: I'm terrified to actually trust my body, to trust my emotions. I am afraid that if I don't stick to the attempts at restricting my food, I will eat the world. It's absolutely true. And, as a result, I will become morbidly obese. I don't trust myself at all.
And part of that is because I'm still tangled up in that whole "restricting" thing. Part of the reason I don't want to exercise (even though I do think in the back of my mind that it would feel good) is because I've forced myself to do it so many times, when I absolutely didn't want to, because I'm still rebelling against the times when Mom made me do it, even when I didn't want to. When I eat sweets, it isn't always because I absolutely want to; often it's a bit of a rebellion against not being able to in the past, to be honest.
And I can't keep eating and acting in reaction to forever. I can't eat for all of the times that I wasn't allowed to, or didn't allow myself to, forever. At some point, I need to eat for what will best nourish me now. But, let's be honest, it's sometimes hard to separate the two.
So that's why this whole process is hard but easy, I think. It's easy to eat what I want, do what I want, in theory. But it's hard to figure out exactly what it is that I want, and to make sure that's what I'm actually doing. I want to be doing what I want now, not making up for deprivation past.
I also want to make sure that I am truly loving and living in my body in the now. It is easier to do that when I don't weigh myself, I think; because I'm not constantly allowing the scale to judge me nad tell me whether I'm worthwhile. But it also makes me nervous, because I've depended on the scale to tell me that for so long. So, that's hard but easy, too.
Well, I guess those are my thoughts for the night. Thanks for tuning in. I really appreciate it.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Two Goals
1. I'd like to not binge tomorrow.
2. I'd like to do three things that make me affirmatively happy tomorrow.
It's been a weird beginning to this week. Honestly, my scares me a bit and I've been eating pretty emotionally. I've been upset that I've gained some weight over the weekend. I've started weighing myself again, which has been awful for my self-confidence, and only made my eating weirder. I also haven't been exercising, which actually explains a lot, I think. Is part of it that I really want to go to the gym, because that makes me feel so good and virtuous afterwards, but I've been avoiding it because it sometimes isn't so fun during? Maybe I just need to take walks.
The thing that I think I need to remember the most is to love myself. And to remember that the people I care about will love me no matter what I weigh. Whether I lose or gain 10 pounds ultimately does NOT affect how lovable, funny, intelligent, or interesting I am to them. I'm still the same person to them. So why can't I chill out about this weight thing? Why can't I love myself the same amount, no matter what I weigh? Just because I am 5 pounds heavier than I was last week does not mean that I am not as good of a person. I am still the same person, no matter what I weight. I still deserve love and am loveable, no matter what I weigh. .
I think that I need to get off this diet train. Yes, I would like to weigh less by graduation. No point in denying it. And let's just be honest and acknowledge why: Yes, my mother would probably complement me, and to be honest, might act more loving to me if I weighed less. My whole family would probably complement me if I weighed less, and I would feel more confident in all of the pictures that we took if I was thinner. We will be taking our Christmas card photo at Graduation, probably, and I felt so harshly ugly last year, that I would really like to look more attractive this year. I would like to look good when I travel to Europe with friends after graduation, especially when I get in a bikini. I would like to be thinner, in particular, when I am in France, because French people are so thin, and I don't want to be a fat American.
But as long as we're being honest, I would like to be thinner as soon as possible. I still feel kind of embarrassed about my arms, and I want to wear sun dresses and tank tops. And I think that all of my friends want to go to the beach, and I feel really embarassed about my stomach. I've realized that I've stopped truly viewing myself as one of the "attractive girls;" now I view myself as one of the "ok-looking girls." That is pretty depressing. And I think that part of be truly and fervently believes that if I lost weight, I could be one of the "attractive girls" again.
Wow, putting it in words has such a strange effect. Yes, that's exactly what I feel. I do feel not pretty, and do honestly believe that if I was thinner I would be prettier. And I do, on a certain level, believe that my family would love me more, and absolutely on many levels, believe that I would have more fun at graduation if I was thinner. To put it even more simply: I feel that I would be happier if I was thinner.
But at the same time, I know that that's not true. I know that my beauty has so little to do with my weight, and so much more with the way I dress, they way I do my hair, and MUCH more importantly, the way I carry myself: my confidence, my speech, my thoughts. I think that way I act has so much more to do with my attractiveness than anything else, and that in fact when I was so skinny, in high school, I often wasn't even attractive. But it's hard to convince myself, on that deeper level, that it's true.
But, to be honest, I still on some level do believe that my family would love me more if I was thin. And especially that I would have more fun at graduation if I was. Yeah, I really can't convince myself otherwise. But maybe, at least for tonight, acknowledging it is an important first step. I've been tip-toeing around how important this is to me for a long time; might as well just face it head on: I want to lose weight because I think that my family would love me more if I was thin. And I want them to love me more. Maybe sometime I'll let that goal go.
But, at the same time, I know that the longer I focus on being thin, the more I binge. Being obsessed with being thin hasn't made me thin yet - it's clearly not working. If dieting was what it took to be thin, I'd be emaciated by now. It doesn't work.
But I'm scared to give up dieting. If I am honest with myself, I need to acknowledge that there's a pretty big part of me that believes that if I stop dieting and freaking out, I will eat absolutely everything in sight, and blow up like a balloon. That rather than lose weight by graduation, I will gain weight, tons of it, and be overweight by graduation. That my family will see me, and my Mom will put on her fake smile, but pull me aside and talk with me about ways that I could lose weight while I'm traveling. And I will be mortified. If I stop dieting, I will eat everything in sight, and become fat. Yes, that's exactly what I think.
It's also completely true that I don't trust my body. Geneen Roth is absolutely right when she says that I'm afraid that if I let myself eat what I want, when I want, I will eat the whole world. But what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of letting myself get hungry? Maybe, but that's silly. Being hungry often makes me eat healthier, because I want foods that actually nourish me. Am I afraid of eating exactly what I want? Yes. I'm afraid that if I start I won't stop. But maybe if I let myself get hungry first, I won't eat quite so much. Maybe I will be more reasonable. And you know what, if I do eat too much, I won't get any fatter than with all of this bingeing I've been doing lately [yes, I say that, but I don't believe it].
Ok, so I'm scared that if I start eating, and eating exactly what I want, I won't stop. It's true. I'm scared. I'm particularly scared because I've been bingeing so much lately. And because I want so desperately, in my very soul, to be thin. Because I've directly connected thinness to happiness. All of these things are true.
Well, acknowledging it feels good. Maybe that's a first step. And so my goal tomorrow is to not binge, and to nourish myself both with food and with things that are not food. Maybe that's my overall goal for this month: nourish myself. As much and as often as I can.
Man am I scared of tomorrow. Man am I petrified that I will binge again. I am honestly scared of myself, I'm thinking of myself as a wild animal that can't be trusted - I honestly scare myself. I'm scared and I don't trust myself to be around food without hurting myself. I don't trust my body to tell me when it is hungry and when it is full.
Ok, I don't think that I can un-scare myself tonight, but it feels good to acknowledge that I'm scared. Tomorrow is going to be a great day, though. I believe it. You can do it, self. I love you. So much. You can do it.
2. I'd like to do three things that make me affirmatively happy tomorrow.
It's been a weird beginning to this week. Honestly, my scares me a bit and I've been eating pretty emotionally. I've been upset that I've gained some weight over the weekend. I've started weighing myself again, which has been awful for my self-confidence, and only made my eating weirder. I also haven't been exercising, which actually explains a lot, I think. Is part of it that I really want to go to the gym, because that makes me feel so good and virtuous afterwards, but I've been avoiding it because it sometimes isn't so fun during? Maybe I just need to take walks.
The thing that I think I need to remember the most is to love myself. And to remember that the people I care about will love me no matter what I weigh. Whether I lose or gain 10 pounds ultimately does NOT affect how lovable, funny, intelligent, or interesting I am to them. I'm still the same person to them. So why can't I chill out about this weight thing? Why can't I love myself the same amount, no matter what I weigh? Just because I am 5 pounds heavier than I was last week does not mean that I am not as good of a person. I am still the same person, no matter what I weight. I still deserve love and am loveable, no matter what I weigh. .
I think that I need to get off this diet train. Yes, I would like to weigh less by graduation. No point in denying it. And let's just be honest and acknowledge why: Yes, my mother would probably complement me, and to be honest, might act more loving to me if I weighed less. My whole family would probably complement me if I weighed less, and I would feel more confident in all of the pictures that we took if I was thinner. We will be taking our Christmas card photo at Graduation, probably, and I felt so harshly ugly last year, that I would really like to look more attractive this year. I would like to look good when I travel to Europe with friends after graduation, especially when I get in a bikini. I would like to be thinner, in particular, when I am in France, because French people are so thin, and I don't want to be a fat American.
But as long as we're being honest, I would like to be thinner as soon as possible. I still feel kind of embarrassed about my arms, and I want to wear sun dresses and tank tops. And I think that all of my friends want to go to the beach, and I feel really embarassed about my stomach. I've realized that I've stopped truly viewing myself as one of the "attractive girls;" now I view myself as one of the "ok-looking girls." That is pretty depressing. And I think that part of be truly and fervently believes that if I lost weight, I could be one of the "attractive girls" again.
Wow, putting it in words has such a strange effect. Yes, that's exactly what I feel. I do feel not pretty, and do honestly believe that if I was thinner I would be prettier. And I do, on a certain level, believe that my family would love me more, and absolutely on many levels, believe that I would have more fun at graduation if I was thinner. To put it even more simply: I feel that I would be happier if I was thinner.
But at the same time, I know that that's not true. I know that my beauty has so little to do with my weight, and so much more with the way I dress, they way I do my hair, and MUCH more importantly, the way I carry myself: my confidence, my speech, my thoughts. I think that way I act has so much more to do with my attractiveness than anything else, and that in fact when I was so skinny, in high school, I often wasn't even attractive. But it's hard to convince myself, on that deeper level, that it's true.
But, to be honest, I still on some level do believe that my family would love me more if I was thin. And especially that I would have more fun at graduation if I was. Yeah, I really can't convince myself otherwise. But maybe, at least for tonight, acknowledging it is an important first step. I've been tip-toeing around how important this is to me for a long time; might as well just face it head on: I want to lose weight because I think that my family would love me more if I was thin. And I want them to love me more. Maybe sometime I'll let that goal go.
But, at the same time, I know that the longer I focus on being thin, the more I binge. Being obsessed with being thin hasn't made me thin yet - it's clearly not working. If dieting was what it took to be thin, I'd be emaciated by now. It doesn't work.
But I'm scared to give up dieting. If I am honest with myself, I need to acknowledge that there's a pretty big part of me that believes that if I stop dieting and freaking out, I will eat absolutely everything in sight, and blow up like a balloon. That rather than lose weight by graduation, I will gain weight, tons of it, and be overweight by graduation. That my family will see me, and my Mom will put on her fake smile, but pull me aside and talk with me about ways that I could lose weight while I'm traveling. And I will be mortified. If I stop dieting, I will eat everything in sight, and become fat. Yes, that's exactly what I think.
It's also completely true that I don't trust my body. Geneen Roth is absolutely right when she says that I'm afraid that if I let myself eat what I want, when I want, I will eat the whole world. But what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of letting myself get hungry? Maybe, but that's silly. Being hungry often makes me eat healthier, because I want foods that actually nourish me. Am I afraid of eating exactly what I want? Yes. I'm afraid that if I start I won't stop. But maybe if I let myself get hungry first, I won't eat quite so much. Maybe I will be more reasonable. And you know what, if I do eat too much, I won't get any fatter than with all of this bingeing I've been doing lately [yes, I say that, but I don't believe it].
Ok, so I'm scared that if I start eating, and eating exactly what I want, I won't stop. It's true. I'm scared. I'm particularly scared because I've been bingeing so much lately. And because I want so desperately, in my very soul, to be thin. Because I've directly connected thinness to happiness. All of these things are true.
Well, acknowledging it feels good. Maybe that's a first step. And so my goal tomorrow is to not binge, and to nourish myself both with food and with things that are not food. Maybe that's my overall goal for this month: nourish myself. As much and as often as I can.
Man am I scared of tomorrow. Man am I petrified that I will binge again. I am honestly scared of myself, I'm thinking of myself as a wild animal that can't be trusted - I honestly scare myself. I'm scared and I don't trust myself to be around food without hurting myself. I don't trust my body to tell me when it is hungry and when it is full.
Ok, I don't think that I can un-scare myself tonight, but it feels good to acknowledge that I'm scared. Tomorrow is going to be a great day, though. I believe it. You can do it, self. I love you. So much. You can do it.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Picking yourself up off the ground
So I binged last night. It's embarassing to admit that - even to write it, even though this blog is anonymous, makes me coil up a little inside. I guess that's why I keep this problem secret, why I don't tell any of my friends. But it also feels important to admit it: I binged last night.
It's funny, because I had what I would consider to be a really good night. I had a show, I hung out with friends and watched tv on the internet, and then went to see a midnight showing of a musical with other friends. But I felt out of it the whole time. At least part of it was because the first group of friends I was hanging out with - I don't know why, because I really like them, but I'm becoming more and more aware that I want to eat during/after I see them. I've only recently realized it, but I think I feel kind of excluded in this group, like I'm not as funny or as interesting (or even as loud) as some of the others, but we often eat dinner together, and I will eat way too much at those dinners. I've been trying to sit with the feelings more, rather than just eat about them, and that helps a lot. Even recognizing that I feel this way has helped. But I think that hanging out with those friends had made me feel a little excluded, and even though I didn't eat then, the feelings didn't completely go away.
The second thing that happened was that I had been hungry even at the midnight show that I went to go see, so I was sure that my weight would be lower when I woke up the next morning. But when I got home and weighed myself (even as I write this, I realize how stupid it is to weigh yourself at night to form a "prediction" about what my weight will be the next day), it clearly wasn't going to be. Isn't that ridiculous? That what I saw on the scale could make me feel so upset? But it's true. And so I ate. I felt myself doing it consciously, I thought to myself "well, I'm hungry, and I'm not going to have lower weight tomorrow anyway, so I might as well eat." And a few bites turned into finishing all of the leftover Chinese food I had for dinner, and the other half of the brownie I was planning to save for the next day. And a banana. So it wasn't the hugest binge in the world, but I definitely felt unstable and overly full, and honestly awful when I went to bed only a few minutes later. I cried a little in bed (wow, it is embarassing to admit this, even here) and just felt not good in my body. I felt like I'd ruined everything I'd worked towards. I was so frustrated with myself. I was dreading the next day: would I eat? Would I not? Would I spiral into another binge or awful and emotional day with food?
But here's the funny thing, I woke up the next day, and had brunch with my older brother, who is visiting, and I've had a great day since. Partially, it's that my brother is absolutely wonderful to be with: he is so driven and so positive - he combines optimism with an incredible discipline and work ethic. And he was just so excited to see me, and we planned a possible vacation over the summer, and he gave me advice about the job that I'll be starting next year (and told me that I'll be great at it), and bought me brunch and iced coffee and we walked around together. It was fantastic. And I arrived at the call for my show (a matinee) feeling like a million bucks - I felt pretty and funny and interesting and worthwhile. My pants fit tighter than the night before, but it didn't bring me down. And I think that I had my best show yet - I certainly had more fun than I'd had at either of my shows over the past two days.
I feel like I've been given a fresh start: I feel happy and optimistic and unconcerned about the fact that I've gained some weight over the past few days - I will lose it, and more, if I can be more aware.
I think that one of the important steps toward that goal is filling my life with other mini-goals. I've had a lot of free time lately, and I've basically been sitting around - which was relaxing and rejuvinating for a while, but now I feel a little lonely. And, more importantly, I feel boring - which I think is absolutely deadly for me: when I feel boring, I act boring, and I don't care about anything. My body, what I eat, what I do - I'm just not concerned.
So how can I use the last month-and-change until I graduate in a way that is unboring? I would like some goals. Here are a few that I can think of now (I will think some more, and maybe revise this list) :
1. Work out. I know that I don't love the gym, but I do love feeling strong. And I literally have almost nothing else to do all day - what a rare thing in life! - so why not do it.I've started doing more push-ups, which feels great, and I'd like to do more ab work and weight lifting, and addition to more running. If I want to exercise outside, I can also take a walk outside.
2. Spend more time being vain. I have the time, and feeling pretty makes me feel good about myself. So why not? I'd love to feel good about my hair and about what I'm wearing more often.
3. Keep my space cleaner and more beautiful. Once again, a clean space makes me feel more zen. And I have the time!
4. Practice my french more. I'd love to read and make sure I fully understand at least one french newspaper article per day!
5. Read the newspaper, in general, more often. Yes!
I think that's good for now. Wow, even writing this blog feels good!
It's funny, because I had what I would consider to be a really good night. I had a show, I hung out with friends and watched tv on the internet, and then went to see a midnight showing of a musical with other friends. But I felt out of it the whole time. At least part of it was because the first group of friends I was hanging out with - I don't know why, because I really like them, but I'm becoming more and more aware that I want to eat during/after I see them. I've only recently realized it, but I think I feel kind of excluded in this group, like I'm not as funny or as interesting (or even as loud) as some of the others, but we often eat dinner together, and I will eat way too much at those dinners. I've been trying to sit with the feelings more, rather than just eat about them, and that helps a lot. Even recognizing that I feel this way has helped. But I think that hanging out with those friends had made me feel a little excluded, and even though I didn't eat then, the feelings didn't completely go away.
The second thing that happened was that I had been hungry even at the midnight show that I went to go see, so I was sure that my weight would be lower when I woke up the next morning. But when I got home and weighed myself (even as I write this, I realize how stupid it is to weigh yourself at night to form a "prediction" about what my weight will be the next day), it clearly wasn't going to be. Isn't that ridiculous? That what I saw on the scale could make me feel so upset? But it's true. And so I ate. I felt myself doing it consciously, I thought to myself "well, I'm hungry, and I'm not going to have lower weight tomorrow anyway, so I might as well eat." And a few bites turned into finishing all of the leftover Chinese food I had for dinner, and the other half of the brownie I was planning to save for the next day. And a banana. So it wasn't the hugest binge in the world, but I definitely felt unstable and overly full, and honestly awful when I went to bed only a few minutes later. I cried a little in bed (wow, it is embarassing to admit this, even here) and just felt not good in my body. I felt like I'd ruined everything I'd worked towards. I was so frustrated with myself. I was dreading the next day: would I eat? Would I not? Would I spiral into another binge or awful and emotional day with food?
But here's the funny thing, I woke up the next day, and had brunch with my older brother, who is visiting, and I've had a great day since. Partially, it's that my brother is absolutely wonderful to be with: he is so driven and so positive - he combines optimism with an incredible discipline and work ethic. And he was just so excited to see me, and we planned a possible vacation over the summer, and he gave me advice about the job that I'll be starting next year (and told me that I'll be great at it), and bought me brunch and iced coffee and we walked around together. It was fantastic. And I arrived at the call for my show (a matinee) feeling like a million bucks - I felt pretty and funny and interesting and worthwhile. My pants fit tighter than the night before, but it didn't bring me down. And I think that I had my best show yet - I certainly had more fun than I'd had at either of my shows over the past two days.
I feel like I've been given a fresh start: I feel happy and optimistic and unconcerned about the fact that I've gained some weight over the past few days - I will lose it, and more, if I can be more aware.
I think that one of the important steps toward that goal is filling my life with other mini-goals. I've had a lot of free time lately, and I've basically been sitting around - which was relaxing and rejuvinating for a while, but now I feel a little lonely. And, more importantly, I feel boring - which I think is absolutely deadly for me: when I feel boring, I act boring, and I don't care about anything. My body, what I eat, what I do - I'm just not concerned.
So how can I use the last month-and-change until I graduate in a way that is unboring? I would like some goals. Here are a few that I can think of now (I will think some more, and maybe revise this list) :
1. Work out. I know that I don't love the gym, but I do love feeling strong. And I literally have almost nothing else to do all day - what a rare thing in life! - so why not do it.I've started doing more push-ups, which feels great, and I'd like to do more ab work and weight lifting, and addition to more running. If I want to exercise outside, I can also take a walk outside.
2. Spend more time being vain. I have the time, and feeling pretty makes me feel good about myself. So why not? I'd love to feel good about my hair and about what I'm wearing more often.
3. Keep my space cleaner and more beautiful. Once again, a clean space makes me feel more zen. And I have the time!
4. Practice my french more. I'd love to read and make sure I fully understand at least one french newspaper article per day!
5. Read the newspaper, in general, more often. Yes!
I think that's good for now. Wow, even writing this blog feels good!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Here's a first...
...this is the first time I've ever blogged. It freaks me out, to be honest. What if someone finds this and it condemns me in their eyes and I can never recover? Especially for jobs! But at the same time, it feels empowering. I want to blog because I want to enter on a certain type of journey, and I want to be held accountable. And blogging seems like a good way to reach that goal.
So what's this "journey" that I'm talking about? It in the simplest sense, I would like to lose weight. But to be honest, I think it is much more complicated than that. I think that I have body image problems. I think that I compulsively weigh myself, and that I am an emotional eater, and that I no longer eat when and what my body wants because I've gotten so paranoid, or even just emotional, about the whole process. So I think that I need to reclaim that. I need to reclaim my body and my life. I hate that if I wake up, and my weight on the scale is a pound or two more than I'd like (which is most likely due to water weight, to be honest), my day will be much worse, because of it. I hate that eating too much at one meal can set me off on a binge, where I essentially lose my entire day and eat food that I'm not actually enjoying, and feel guilty for the next day. I hate that.
I don't want to live my life like that anymore.
So that's why I'm starting this blog. Yes, I want to lose weight. But I also just want to feel happy in my body. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my happiness determined by what I see on the scale. I want to continue with my day and not feel badly because I ate slightly too much at a meal, or compulsively think and plan about what I will eat next. I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, the stuff that has nothing to do with food and weight.
Part of the reason that I want to do this so badly right now is that I'm about to leave college. I graduate in June. Most of these problems began since I've been in college, but I haven't given them the attention that I should have, because, well, life in college has been really busy. But now that I have some more time, I want to really be attentive and aware of these issues. I'm not ruling out that eventually I may need to work with a therapist on these issues. But, at least for now, I'd like to see how much I can do for myself by loving myself as much as I can, and just being aware. Hence the title of my blog.
So if you're reading this, thanks for supporting me in this journey. And even if no one reads this, I still think that it's worthwhile. So thanks, nebulous internet gods!
So what's this "journey" that I'm talking about? It in the simplest sense, I would like to lose weight. But to be honest, I think it is much more complicated than that. I think that I have body image problems. I think that I compulsively weigh myself, and that I am an emotional eater, and that I no longer eat when and what my body wants because I've gotten so paranoid, or even just emotional, about the whole process. So I think that I need to reclaim that. I need to reclaim my body and my life. I hate that if I wake up, and my weight on the scale is a pound or two more than I'd like (which is most likely due to water weight, to be honest), my day will be much worse, because of it. I hate that eating too much at one meal can set me off on a binge, where I essentially lose my entire day and eat food that I'm not actually enjoying, and feel guilty for the next day. I hate that.
I don't want to live my life like that anymore.
So that's why I'm starting this blog. Yes, I want to lose weight. But I also just want to feel happy in my body. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my happiness determined by what I see on the scale. I want to continue with my day and not feel badly because I ate slightly too much at a meal, or compulsively think and plan about what I will eat next. I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, the stuff that has nothing to do with food and weight.
Part of the reason that I want to do this so badly right now is that I'm about to leave college. I graduate in June. Most of these problems began since I've been in college, but I haven't given them the attention that I should have, because, well, life in college has been really busy. But now that I have some more time, I want to really be attentive and aware of these issues. I'm not ruling out that eventually I may need to work with a therapist on these issues. But, at least for now, I'd like to see how much I can do for myself by loving myself as much as I can, and just being aware. Hence the title of my blog.
So if you're reading this, thanks for supporting me in this journey. And even if no one reads this, I still think that it's worthwhile. So thanks, nebulous internet gods!
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