One step back, and procrastination

It's remarkable how I could feel like I was taking steps forward, but today it feels completely like steps back, all the time. Here are some of the things that I feel upset about:

1. Graduation speaker. I was rejected about a week ago, and was upset about it at the time, but I thought that I dealt wtih my emotions and moved past it. But now, seeing the people who actually got it, I feel upset all over again. Yeah, it does feel super petty, but its also true.

2. My Body. It just feels gross. And heavy. I guess I've basically just been feeding it a lot of crap lately and not really exercising. Especially a lot of nutella. It's beginning to feel as if my entire body is made up nutella. Ugh.

3. My work. I have my final final exam of my college experience on Thursday, and the last thing that I want in the world is to study for it. I can tell that I truly feel that way because I've been eating instead of studying for it. I've been doing anything instead of studying for it, in fact.

4. Dealing with apartment stuff with my friends. I hate that no one is responding to my e-mails. It makes me feel needy, and like they aren't that involved. Clearly, I am happy to spearhead things, but I want people to at least feel enthused about following my guidance. Ugh.

Ok, I just took a pause in writing this blog post to do one of my favorite procrastination activities: looking at real estate. And I feel better: less frantic, calmer. I want to eat less, which is a hugely good sign for me, actually. Plus, I want to put my day in perspective:

Yes, you aren't going to speak at Graduation. But that in NO WAY makes you less worthwhile, ok? I still love you, and you did your best. You wrote the best speech you possibly could have - you were one of 11 finalists! And dealing with this defeat only makes you stronger, it only helps you to realize that you are still powerful and worthwhile even when life hands you lemons. It doesn't take any power of character to be happy when eveything goes well. You can and will moe on from this, and not let it touch you. And, sincerely, I do still feel proud of the speech that I wrote. I made huge revisions, I devoted a bunch of time to it. I quite honestly could not have written a better speech. So, whatever. I did my best. That's really all that I can do.

And the body thing. That's a tough one. Honestly, I want to remind myself to focus on my little victories recently. I haven't been having ridiculous, out of control binges as much. And, much more importantly, I have been feeling more and more liberated from the scale, more and more like my self worth is independent of that number, and that my beauty is how I choose to be. So, as I reflect on it, that is actually HUGE for me. To not wake up every morning obsessed with the scale. To not spend every night weighing myself, and then weighing myself an hour later, hoping that I will have shed some water weight (which doesn't mean anything, after all).

So yes, I feel kind of gross right now. But I feel gross from a very honest place. My body is telling me something. Which, as I think about it, is actually kind of magical. It's not that I feel fat because I feel frustrated with the number on the scale. I feel gross because I have honestly been feeding myself food that is junky, and I've been eating too much of it. In some ways, that's exactly what I've needed over the past 2 weeks - I needed to convince myself that I could have as much of and whatever food I wanted. I even bought a jar of nutella and put it in my sock drawer and promised myself I could have it whenever I wanted - because nutella had always been a binge food to me. And you know what, I've been keeping good on that promise to myself - I have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

And you know what is crazy? My body has not destroyed itself.

Yes, I've gained a bit of weight. A few pounds. But I am literally eating whatever I want. Both mornings of this weekend I bought a pastry and had it with a huge glass of milk for breakfast. And it was exquisitely satisfying. Adn you know what else? I didn't feel frantic about it. I just knew that I wanted to eat a chocolate-almond croissant. So I bought one, and savored the whole thing. Before, I would have considered doing so a binge, and it would have inspired me to binge on other things. But those mornings, I was just getting exactly what I wanted, and I wasn't crazy about it.

Plus, I literally have gone through 2 jars of nutella in a little over a week. And you know what I thought this morning, as I finished off my second jar of nutella? This makes me feel gross and like my body is made of sugar. I don't actually really enjoy this any more, I'm just sort of eating it to prove to myself I can. I mean, it's still good, but not to-die-for like before. I don't think I will buy another jar of nutella. Maybe I'll eat some when I get to Europe, but not very often.

Honestly. That is what I thought. Isn't that insane? I never thought I would get to that point.

So maybe what I'm trying to say is that I think maybe I'm approaching a new point in my food journey: I'm a little tired of eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Not that I want to restrict, but I think that I would be honestly happier, and feel better, if I ate a little less, and a little healthier foods, and if I tried to move a little more.

Which is not to say that I think I'm going to be healthy all the time. Far from it. I know that I'll still want dessert every day, and pastries for many breakfasts. But maybe more vegetables and fruits? Maybe smaller portions? Maybe more grilled, rather than fried protein? Yes, I think that all actually sounds really appealing right now.

Wow, maybe this isn't something to be depressed about at all. Maybe I have gained a little weight. Maybe I do feel a little gross right now. But for the first time, in just about as long as I can remember, I don't feel crazy about food. I don't feel obsessed about my number on the scale. If I want to go out tomorrow and eat a chocolate almond croissant and 2 cups of milk, I totally can. I can and will eat dessert tonight, and tomorrow, and the night after that. But at the same time, I realize that I'd like to be a little healthier - not because I "should" or even because I "have to." But rather, because I'd like to. I'd like to feel healthier in my body. I'd like for sugar to feel more like a treat, because I don't have it every 2 hours. I'd like for my body to feel stronger and more connected.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think my life is going to radically change. I think it will be baby steps. But for the first time in a long time, it might be coming from a sincere place of being kind to myself, rather than punishing myself. Hmm, I feel so much more hopeful about everything, all of a sudden.

Now back to studying! (Wow, I even feel more focused, too!)